Pimped Paragraph #5

(Your comments are welcomed and highly encouraged. The author of this first paragraph submission is looking for all the constructive criticism they can receive to improve their opening hook.  Do you agree with us Hook'ers? Disagree? Were you hooked and would want to read more? Let this author know).

ORIGINAL SUBMISSION (Genre: Adult Fantsy):

Villeen’s father should’ve murdered her eldest brother.  Now… now she’d have to finish it.  She clenched her eyes shut, unable to look at the heap of rags in the corner.  Pale flesh peaked from the half-shredded brown robes.  The corner of a book dug into her breast, but she ignored the pain, only clutching it tighter, wishing she’d found it earlier.

Angela Scott:
Villeen’s father should’ve murdered her eldest brother.  Now… now (Not sure you need to echo this--I'd almost like a clarification, something along the lines of: Because he didn't, now she'd have to finish it. Does that make sense?) she’d have to finish it.  She clenched her eyes shut, unable to look at the heap of rags in the corner.  Pale flesh peaked from the half-shredded brown robes (I like this image--just be careful not to add to many modifiers).  The corner of a book dug into her breast, but she ignored the pain, only clutching it tighter, wishing she’d found it earlier.

I like how this begins. You've tossed us into some type of action, that is for sure. I'd read on. I do wish I had a better sense of of her feelings toward her brother. She clentched her eyes so I assume she doesn't want to kill him, yet the first couple of lines leave me thinking maybe he needed to be killed and she wants to kill him. The first line is a pretty good opener, too.

D.S. Tracy:
Villeen’s father should’ve murdered her eldest brother.  Now… now she’d have to finish it.  She clenched her eyes shut, (can't clench them open, can you?) unable to look at the heap of rags in the corner.  Pale flesh peaked from the half-shredded brown robes. (I wonder if you could just get rid of one of these. I paused for a moment, here. I got it, but for a split second I did pause with the rags vs. robes) The corner of a book dug into her breast, but she ignored the pain, only clutching it tighter, wishing she’d found it earlier. (This sentence needs some work. Besides some modifier issues, it is a bit weak)


This has mystery and I like that. I think you definitely need to work on it a bit more. Make sure your word choices are spot on. Clench and clutch sound too similar. They are great verbs, but too close and would alter the sound of the piece. Same goes for rags vs. robes. The second line makes it read a bit like a back of blurb sentence. I'm not a fan of ellipses used for drama. It is artificial. Don't force me to feel a dun, dun, dun moment--just show me, make me feel the dun, dun, dun all on my own. Resist the urge to explain, or resist the urge to dot, dot, dot. I think you're off to a good start by creating intrigue. Fiddle with the wording a bit more. I'm interested, but not convinced.  Thanks for sharing. 


 
Kacey Mark:
Villeen’s father should’ve murdered her eldest brother. <Excellent hook. Good job. I get the sense of a couple important characters, a conflict, and a hint of history all rolled into one.> Now… now <You may want to rethink this. Using words like "now" pulls the reader out of the story. The reader thinks they are already in the here and now. When you use words like "now" it distracts and makes them question the timeline of the story> she’d have to finish it.  She clenched her eyes shut, unable to look at the heap of rags in the corner. <Great visceral, good emotion, love the conflict. so someone's in a heap of rags in the corner. That's interesting! Good, good, good.One question though... I can't seem to get my head around this stranger in rags in the corner. Is it a baby? A full grown man? Please let us know.> Pale flesh peaked from the half-shredded brown robes.<Okay so we've moved from rags to robes, which in my mind have upped his social status. Just sayin'...Moving along...>  The corner of a book dug into her breast, <Okay where did the book come from? I would have expected her to have a knife or a gun, or a club-something to finish the guy off with, unless the book holds spells, which would be cool> but she ignored the pain, only clutching it tighter, wishing she’d found it earlier. <So finding the book was the goal? I thought finishing Villeen off was the goal. Now I'm a little confused.>

Try not to let all the color on my critique fool you. I really liked this piece. And it's not really red ink anyway it's salmon. Sort of a struggle-upstream-to-deliver-your-legacy kind of color. See, now doesn't it sound so much better that way?
This first paragraph has a lot of good things going for it. It got a little confusing at the end as to what the real goal was, but overall, I like it. I would for sure read on!

Our First Pimped Paragraph #01 (Do you agree with the Hook'ers?)

(Your comments are welcomed and highly encouraged. The author of this first paragraph submission is looking for all the constructive criticism they can receive to improve their opening hook.  Do you agree with us Hook'ers? Or were you hooked and would want to read more? Let this author know).

Original 1st Paragraph Submission: 

The frigid, pre-dawn wind cut through the hooker’s fake fur jacket, her uncovered lower extremities already numb. One shaking, ungloved hand lifted the receiver of the payphone, the other hand fumbled for change in her pocket, and the crumpled business card.  The card had been slipped into the coat pocket weeks ago by a young detective, from the precinct in downtown; the one cop who had ever reached out to her, treated her as something more than what she appeared to be. 

Here goes: 

The frigid, pre-dawn wind cut through the hooker’s fake fur jacket, her uncovered lower extremities already numb. One shaking, ungloved (Pick one or the other, but not both) hand lifted the receiver of the payphone, the other hand fumbled (in her pocket for change and the crumpled business card) for change in her pocket, (remove comma) and the crumpled business card.  The card had been slipped into the coat pocket weeks ago by a young detective, from the precinct in downtown; the one cop who had ever reached out to her, treated her as something more than what she appeared to be. (This entire sentence is telling. You could remove this and simply show us who gave her this card by asking for the detective. We will see the kind of man he is through their dialogue. Let the reader determine what kind of a man he is, instead of telling us he a good cop) ~The Reluctant Hook'er

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The frigid, pre-dawn wind cut through the hooker’s fake fur jacket, her uncovered lower extremities already numb. One shaking, ungloved hand lifted the receiver of the payphone, the other hand fumbled for change in her pocket, and the crumpled business card. (I'm not a fan of starting with any sort of description of weather--at all. I don't know why it bugs me so much, I did it myself, but it comes off tired and played out. You have too many adjectives going on, I agree with what Angela said above. It makes it read a bit clunky.)The card had been slipped into the coat pocket weeks ago by a young detective, from the precinct in downtown; the one cop who had ever reached out to her, treated her as something more than what she appeared to be. (this sentence is huge and passive. "The card had been slipped..." should be: "The detective slipped the card into..." Besides passive voice, I agree with Angela on this being telling. It takes away something for the reader by telling us what kind of guy he is, especially if he is a major character in the story. I want to make my own judgement about him, not be told he's a stand up guy right away.) I have to say I am intrigued and would continue reading. BUT, you definitely need to declutter your sentences a bit. No worries, we all have to do it. Best of luck. 

~ The Skeptical Hook'er

*Only two hook'ers were able to comment this week. The Rabbit In The Hat Hook'er is tied up at the moment(she writes romance so take it as you will).