(Your comments are welcomed and highly encouraged. The author of this first paragraph submission is looking for all the constructive criticism they can receive to improve their opening hook. Do you agree with us Hook'ers? Or were you hooked and would want to read more? Let this author know).
Original 1st Paragraph Submission:
The frigid, pre-dawn wind cut through the hooker’s fake fur jacket, her uncovered lower extremities already numb. One shaking, ungloved hand lifted the receiver of the payphone, the other hand fumbled for change in her pocket, and the crumpled business card. The card had been slipped into the coat pocket weeks ago by a young detective, from the precinct in downtown; the one cop who had ever reached out to her, treated her as something more than what she appeared to be.
Here goes:
The frigid, pre-dawn wind cut through the hooker’s fake fur jacket, her uncovered lower extremities already numb. One shaking, ungloved (Pick one or the other, but not both) hand lifted the receiver of the payphone, the other hand fumbled (in her pocket for change and the crumpled business card) *******
The frigid, pre-dawn wind cut through the hooker’s fake fur jacket, her uncovered lower extremities already numb. One shaking, ungloved hand lifted the receiver of the payphone, the other hand fumbled for change in her pocket, and the crumpled business card. (I'm not a fan of starting with any sort of description of weather--at all. I don't know why it bugs me so much, I did it myself, but it comes off tired and played out. You have too many adjectives going on, I agree with what Angela said above. It makes it read a bit clunky.)The card had been slipped into the coat pocket weeks ago by a young detective, from the precinct in downtown; the one cop who had ever reached out to her, treated her as something more than what she appeared to be. (this sentence is huge and passive. "The card had been slipped..." should be: "The detective slipped the card into..." Besides passive voice, I agree with Angela on this being telling. It takes away something for the reader by telling us what kind of guy he is, especially if he is a major character in the story. I want to make my own judgement about him, not be told he's a stand up guy right away.) I have to say I am intrigued and would continue reading. BUT, you definitely need to declutter your sentences a bit. No worries, we all have to do it. Best of luck.
~ The Skeptical Hook'er
*Only two hook'ers were able to comment this week. The Rabbit In The Hat Hook'er is tied up at the moment(she writes romance so take it as you will).
