Pimped Paragraph #3

 (Your comments are welcomed and highly encouraged. The author of this first paragraph submission is looking for all the constructive criticism they can receive to improve their opening hook.  Do you agree with us Hook'ers? Disagree? Were you hooked and would want to read more? Let this author know).

ORIGINAL SUBMISSION (Genre: Suspense Fiction):
Sam was feeling exceptionally well. He recalled his lunchtime conversation with his wife, Monica. She’d given him the evening’s schedule; they were celebrating their son Timothy’s birthday. While Sam went over the conversation, he performed the end of the day rituals. He grinned widely, thinking of how detailed his wife’s arranging of the evening would be. The entire evening sounded great. He mulled over how the whole family enjoyed these moments, as a family. Sam removed his work gloves as he made his way back to his truck. The kids would be smiling, hugging and kissing. The girls made such fuss over Tim.


Sam was feeling exceptionally well. (Can you show me this instead of telling me this?) He recalled his lunchtime conversation with his wife, Monica. She’d given him the evening’s schedule; they were celebrating their son Timothy’s birthday. While Sam went over the conversation, he performed the end of the day rituals. (What are these rituals? What's he doing? Small little details like that would allow the reader to connect with him.) He grinned widely (unnecessary--adverb), thinking of how detailed his wife’s arranging of the evening would be. The entire evening sounded great. (I don't know anything about the party to know if it sounds great or not--give me details. You're just telling me it is great. Show me instead.) He mulled over how the whole family enjoyed these moments, as a family. (you said the whole family enjoyed these moments. Adding "as a family" is redundant and unneeded) Sam removed his work gloves as he made his way back to his truck. The kids would be smiling, hugging and kissing. The girls made such fuss over Tim (who's Tim?).

I didn't connect with this character. I don't know much about him or his family to feel invested. I think it has a lot to do with "telling" me what happened and what is going to happen verses "showing me" what is taking place. At this point, without reading the rest of the page, I can almost bet you haven't started the story in the right place. I bet it comes a bit later--your true beginning. 

I would suggest reworking this paragraph, give me details, toss me into the story OR scan your story, look for the spot where the story really picks up. I think you're trying to add a bunch of characters too quickly, but it would be better to introduce them as the story unfolds, as your character talks to them and relates to them. 

Hope this feedback helped. 
~Angela Scott The Reluctant Hook'er

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Sam was feeling exceptionally well. He recalled his lunchtime conversation with his wife, Monica. She’d given him the evening’s schedule; they were celebrating their son Timothy’s birthday. While Sam went over the conversation, he performed the end of the day rituals. He grinned widely, thinking of how detailed his wife’s arranging of the evening would be. The entire evening sounded great. He mulled over how the whole family enjoyed these moments, as a family. Sam removed his work gloves as he made his way back to his truck. The kids would be smiling, hugging and kissing. The girls made such fuss over Tim.  (This graph is all telling, which makes me feel distanced from this character. Show me a skip in his step or something that he was feeling well.  I don't think you're starting in the right place. Start with action, maybe the party? There was nothing about this graph that would propel me to read forward, that doesn't mean the rest of your story isn't great, but you want to hook us right away and keep us there through the end. Keep working on it. Best of luck) 


The Skeptical Hook'er. 

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Kacey Mark: Coming to you live in technicolor pink!

It burns! It burns!

Sam was feeling exceptionally well. <Uh-oh. There's that "was" word. it tends to distance your reader. Lemme in there, Author. I want to plunge right into what's going on inside his head. I like his name, maybe I'll like him too but I haven't been given the chance yet.> He recalled <So he's a thinker. That's good. But if we are in his Point of view (POV), and we want to be,  we don't really need this. try to rephrase the sentence without it.> his lunchtime conversation with his wife, Monica.<Okay, another great character name but no glimpse of who she is besides the wifey. Which means that Sam is not the muscle-bound bachelor I thought he was. Well... I guess there's still hope for the muscles though. :-)> She’d given him the evening’s schedule; they were celebrating their son Timothy’s birthday. While Sam went over the conversation, he performed the end of the day rituals.<And what might those be? chopping down trees and throwing them over his shoulder with inhuman, muscle-bound strength? Or grooming Guinea pigs at the local Pet Smart? I think you know which one I'm rooting for.> He grinned widely <Ack! an "LY" word. it points at the possibility of telling (not showing) and the need for a stronger verb>, thinking of how detailed his wife’s arranging of the evening would be. The entire evening sounded great.<Ugh... *folds arms* Well I want to hear the details then. I'm not doing to deny my deep-rooted urge to meddle in other people's details. Isn't that what reading a good book is all about anyway?> He mulled over <There he is thinking again. *Pouts* I'm starting to get a not-so-Sam-The-Lumbar-jack vibe. Maybe he's more of a scholar?>how the whole family enjoyed these moments, as a family. Sam removed his work gloves <Oh! Gloves mean hard work right? Maybe I shouldn't revoke his stud card just yet>as he made his way back to his truck.<Truck! Score! I knew he was a real guy in there somewhere! Hormones rejoice! (until Monica shows up that is)> The kids would be smiling, hugging and kissing. The girls made such fuss over Tim.

I'm sorry to make a mess of your first paragraph by hosing it down with girly-hormone pink, but I just couldn't help myself. There seems to be too much distance between your character and your readers. A distance that can do one of two things given the reader's personality: 

One, let them run wild with their imagination until you finally reign them in with the possible threat of disappointment, 

Or two, bore them because they just can't get into your characters.

Set up your characters at the very beginning with a clear image and get deep into their POV before the reader forms the wrong impression.