Pimped Paragraph #4

(Your comments are welcomed and highly encouraged. The author of this first paragraph submission is looking for all the constructive criticism they can receive to improve their opening hook.  Do you agree with us Hook'ers? Disagree? Were you hooked and would want to read more? Let this author know).

ORIGINAL SUBMISSION (Genre: Young Adult Fantasy):

I walked out onto a beach where I hadn’t set foot in forty-seven years. As I felt the smooth roundness of the small, chilly grains of sand shuffle gently beneath my feet, I felt a rush of excitement shoot through my body.



Angela Scott:
I walked out onto a beach where I hadn’t set foot in forty-seven years. As I felt the smooth roundness of the small, chilly grains of sand shuffle gently beneath my feet, I felt a rush of excitement shoot through my body.

I will say, that even though there are some minor issues with this opening paragraph, so far of the four we've presented on this blog, this is the only one that would perhaps intrigue me to read on. Something is actually happening here. The other three were pretty generic. Now, that saying, this paragraph is coated quite heavy in modifiers (the blue). Sometimes, less can be more. Also, the use of the phrase "I felt" needs to be looked at again. Is there another way to say this? Show this? Especially in the last line? I think if you played with that last line, show me a smile on his face (I assume it's a guy. At least that's what I pictured) or a chill run up the spine--something. That will give me the same effect, and lets the reader know this character is excited without using the phrase "I felt". Just a suggestion. 


Kacey Mark:
I walked out onto a beach where I hadn’t set foot in forty-seven years. I like this line. It brings the reader right into the story with a sense of time and place, even the age of the main character. It also holds a bit of a hook. Why has it been so long since our character set foot here? As I felt the smooth roundness of the small, chilly grains of sand shuffle gently beneath my feet, I felt a rush of excitement shoot through my body. This sentence felt a bit long but you've got some great sensory and visceral reactions there. Good job! And I agree with Angela, if you're in deep character point of view (POV) you don't really need to say "I felt" if you take out "As I felt" you'll notice that your sentence works perfectly without it and you inch closer to deep POV.
Keep going! You're off to a great start!

D.S. Tracy:

I walked out onto a beach where I hadn’t set foot in forty-seven years. As I felt the smooth roundness of the small, chilly grains of sand shuffle(d) gently beneath my feet; I felt a rush of excitement shoot through my body.

I agree about the "I felt" that is actually one of my pet peeves. Most of the time it is unnecessary and can be deleted just like I showed. I don't think I'd do it like I did with the semi-colon, it needs to have a fluidity about it and a semi-colon is too much of a pause. Work with the sentence a bit, keeping the sensory in there and the tone. I think this is a nice start. I'm not totally sold, but first graphs are a pain in the arse and take a long time to get just right. BUT, because of the tone and sensory details, I'd read on. 

I'm not sure "shuffled" is the right word, I get what you mean with "gently" paired to it, but it needs to go. Shuffled alone, doesn't seem soft enough. Keep playing with it. Word choice is very important. The least amount, yet more descriptive words, lead to tight writing. Walked, for instance is a bit generic, doesn't really tell me much about her. It is okay, but something to think about.